How and When to Begin a Discussion with a Friend Going Through a Tough Time
If you have recently noticed signs that a friend of yours might be going through internal struggles, you might wonder why they haven't opened up directly. At the end of the day, you want to be there for that person and help them get through whatever they are dealing with. (Chatroulette)
Remember that there could be many reasons why your friend may not be direct with you. They might not know how to talk about what they feel or have experienced. They might not want to be a burden or worry others. They may come from a culture or family where discussing difficult feelings is not openly done. They might want to ask for help but feel hesitant, embarrassed, or guilty.
As a friend, one way of being supportive is to initiate the conversation about your concerns rather than waiting for the person to open up to you.
How to Approach a Concerned Friend
It's important to pay attention to your gut feelings about how and when to talk about your concerns. This can be challenging, especially if you've never done it before or if you also come from a culture or family where talking openly isn't common. Here are some things you can do to make the conversation more comfortable for yourself and your friend:
Try:
- Ask them for a meeting or do a check-in. You can start with something like, "I feel like you've been acting different. Maybe this is because of everything that's going on, but I just wanted to know how you were doing and see if we could meet for an update," or "Hey, I miss you. I feel like we haven't had the chance to hang out or talk like we usually do.
- When can we see each other?"
- Meet in person or schedule a call/video call. These communication methods are preferable to text messages because you can have a better view of non-verbal cues; how they look or how they react to what you say. It's easy to say "I'm fine" through text messages.
- Choose where you can have a conversation in relative privacy. You can suggest going for coffee, hanging out at one of their homes, or taking a walk. A loud or crowded place is not the appropriate spot. https://strangercam.com/cam-to-cam-chat/
- Start the conversation from a sense of concern and support. For example, you can say something like, "I've noticed you're feeling down lately, and I thought you should know that I'm here for you." Make sure you can truly commit to it from the beginning. Put away your phone, make eye contact, or position yourself in a way that shows them that you are fully present and ready to listen.
- Express as specifically as possible what you have seen or heard that made you feel worried. For example, you can say things like "I got concerned when you said… " or "I'm worried because I've noticed that you seem (low energy, sad, angry, depressed) the last few times we've talked." Being clear about what you observe and clearly stating that you are sharing your perception, which may or may not align with their reality, is very helpful for the person and makes it easier to keep observing their behavior over time.
During the Conversation:
- Tell them they're not alone. Sometimes when we are struggling with something, we seek isolation or feel like no one understands what we are going through. Your friend needs to know that you have someone to lean on. This can be as simple as a regular check-in message. Importantly, let your actions follow your words, meaning, don't say that you'll be there for them and then disappear for long periods of time.
- Truly listen. Pay attention to the details of their story, but also listen to the specific emotions they are sharing. The events, exchanges, and people involved in distressing situations do matter, but what makes the biggest difference is your personal reaction to the details. It might be hard to change what is happening, but it might be possible to acknowledge, validate, or soothe your emotions. Waiting to hear how they feel is just as important as listening to the specific events that trigger their emotions. next blog
